


The Fire I Began Is Burning Me Alive

by sonofapollo



Series: i'm a silhouette chasing rainbows on my own [1]
Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Angst, F/M, Gen, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, One-Sided Relationship, Unrequited Love, hanahaki disease au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-25
Updated: 2017-07-25
Packaged: 2018-12-06 15:06:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11603130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sonofapollo/pseuds/sonofapollo
Summary: The one in which Josh is in love and Tyler doesn't know.Or the one in which Josh develops feelings for his best friend, and though flowers are pretty, he doesn't like that they've made a home in his system.





	The Fire I Began Is Burning Me Alive

**Author's Note:**

> i always seem to write angst with these two?? anyway, i just found out about hanahaki disease and i just needed to write some joshler with it. it's pretty, idk, out of character? but whatever.
> 
> this is also un-beta'd but i hope you guys enjoy it either way!
> 
> ps: the title is a lyric from the song "silhouette" by owl city :)

The day Josh first showed signs of the disease, was when he and Tyler were recording in the studio with some of their friends around. They were taking a break at the moment and Tyler had excused himself from him and to go buy some drinks, and left with Dallon, leaving Josh and Brendon alone. Josh was laughing at something Brendon had said when he started coughing heavily.

He doubled over, coughing into his hands while Brendon soothed his back. "Hey, dude, you okay?" He asked, but Josh couldn't stop coughing to reply. Once Josh was done, he took deep breaths to relieve himself, his throat and lungs aching. "Are you sick or something?" Brendon asked, eyebrows furrowed, when he caught the look of horror on his friend's face. "Josh—" he started, but then looked down at Josh's hands. Small acacia flowers were splayed on his hands. _Concealed love_. "Oh shit."

—

The second day Josh coughed up flowers again, was a week after Brendon had helped him with his little problem. He promised not to tell anyone of Josh's condition, knowing it wouldn't do him or Josh any good if he did so. Josh was grateful that Brendon would try to keep quiet about it, even though he knew his friend badly wanted to talk about it with someone else.

Now, Josh was on the stage they would play on later in the night, getting ready for soundcheck. Tyler was backstage while Josh helped fix up his drums. As Josh was tightening some bolts, he felt an itch at the back of his throat, and soon he was doubling over, hacking up more flowers.

Once his coughing fit was over, Josh remained staring at the ground, pink camellia petals laying there. _Longing for you_. Josh swallowed hard and coughed up another petal into his hand. He sniffed and wiped his red, teary eyes, irritated from the force of his coughing.

"Hey, Josh, you okay?" Tyler's familiar voice shouted to him. He turned quickly, concealing the petals behind him and smiled at his friend, who stood feet away from him. He crushed the petal in his fist. "Yeah, I'm good!" He replied, despite the burning feeling at the back of his throat and the pressure of the flowers in his lungs.

—

The third time it happens, they are in their tour bus, supposedly sleeping. But Josh laid awake, focusing more on the rumbling inside the bus as it sped through highways upon highways. He stared at the wall, transfixed on absolutely nothing. Wild thoughts raged through his head, thoughts of his childhood, his past lovers, his family, his friends, Tyler. Josh swallowed hard, feeling the petals trying to claw their way back up from the back of his throat and out of his mouth. But Josh didn't let them. He couldn't let them out with Tyler near. He couldn't.

He closed his eyes, and tried his best to fall asleep. But he couldn't. He was restless, and the annoying petals didn't make sleeping all that easy. And he keeps thinking of Tyler. Tyler. Tyler. _Tyler_. He thinks of him and how warm his hugs are, how soothing his voice is, how beautiful he sings, how intelligent he is, how—Josh shoots up from his bed, ready to throw out all the petals that have been waiting to escape from inside him. He runs to the bathroom and shut the door behind him. He crouches over the toilet and watches as bundles upon bundles of petals tumble and fall out of his mouth.

He retches in disgust, allowing more petals to fall out. He stares at them, eyes teary, lips trembling. They are red carnation petals. _My heart aches for you_. A sob escapes Josh's lips.

—

The fourth time occurs during a concert and Tyler finds out about his condition.

He's up on stage, he's drumming, and the adrenaline coursing through him, along with the excitement of the crowd, is exhilarating.

Tyler is up on the edge of the stage, reaching towards their fans. Josh watches him, let's the vibrations of the loud music course through his vein as if they were a part of his own blood. But as he watches him, he feels the familiar itch in his throat. The flowers. The petals. He'd forgotten about them. _Goddammit_. They want to come out, but of course, Josh can't let them. Not now.

But they don't listen.

Josh is swallowing them back, but it only makes him feel sicker and more uncomfortable. He tries focusing on the music. He tries focusing on his fans. His mind goes back to Tyler, and he feels like he's going crazy. He turns his head to the side and coughs up a large number of petals. He doesn't realize that he's stopped drumming. Or that he's now crouched over the floor, retching up flower petals.

"Josh!" He hears Tyler call, but he isn't listening. He's too focused on getting the damned flowers out of his system. He doesn't want them, doesn't need them. Why did he have to fall in love?

The flower petals keep falling out, and thank God most of his drum set conceals him, so no one can see them. The fans must think he's sick with some stomach bug, that instead of coughing up and puking petals, he's puking up his last meal. Josh actually wishes that were the case.

Once he's finished, he looks down at the mess he created and breathes in deeply. They were daffodils this time. _Unrequited love_. Josh really had it bad.

—

"Who is it?"

Josh looked down at his feet, thinking of an answer for the question. Tyler was sitting in front of him, arms crossed. They were backstage, their crew bustling around them. They ended the show earlier than they'd all wanted to, but Tyler wasn't going to let Josh continue on when he was sick with that damned disease.

Finally, Josh sighed. "It's not important."

Tyler opened his mouth, ready to pry, but he saw how Josh looked at him pleadingly, sad brown eyes staring back at him. He knew he was silently asking him not to keep asking about it. Sighing, he shook his head. He asked instead, "Why didn't you tell me you had Hanahaki?"

"You didn't need to know."

Josh stared at Tyler's hand, at his ring clad flinger. He always wore that wedding band. Not once did he ever toy with it or take it off. He must really love Jenna. _Lucky her_ , Josh thought.

"Of course I needed to know, Josh! I'm your best friend!"

 _Best friend_. The bitter reality shouldn't have hurt Josh as much as it did all of a sudden. But it did. He knew he would always be just Tyler's best friend. Something close to a brother. Nothing more, nothing less. He wouldn't be seen or known as anything else to Tyler, but as that. More petals threatened to come up. Or maybe that was actually the last thing he ate. He didn't know, but it was a gross feeling.

"Right. Well, I'm sorry I didn't tell you before. I didn't want to worry you."

Silence lingered between them, the only thing filling it up was the sound of bustling and moving, things falling, people talking. Josh stared back down at the ground, pursing his lips.

"How long has it been?"

Josh looked back up at Tyler. "A month now," he said. He watched at Tyler's eyes went wide and he sat up straighter. "What? A month? Josh, that's—"

"I know, I know—dangerous."

"Have you thought of—"

Josh shook his head. "No, I'm not getting the surgery. Not yet, at least."

Tyler's eyes went frantic, and he leaned forward in his chair. "Josh, you could—"

"Tyler." Josh took a deep breath and shook his head. "I'm not going to. I'll wait. If I think it's necessary, I'll do it. I'll get the surgery. But _that_ , that won't happen to me. I promise."

The look Tyler gave Josh was one of confusion and dubiousness. Josh knew he didn't fully believe him, but he didn't say anything else and only nodded slowly.

—

The fifth time, he's at a party. It's a birthday party, Josh doesn't really remember who's, but he believes it's for one of Tyler's friends. He doesn't know everyone there, but there are a few people who he recognizes and can talk to. Luckily, Brendon is somehow there, too.

The two of them are talking, sticking close to the shadows away from the crowds and groups of people, in case Josh goes into one of his coughing fits. "How've you been doing?" Brendon asks him, worry clear in his voice. Josh lets out a sigh. "I'm still...sick, I guess. And Tyler knows now." Brendon's eyes go wide. "He what? He knows? Have you told him that the flowers are for—"

"No." Josh abruptly cuts him off. "No, he doesn't know who they're for." Brendon frowns at him. "You need to tell him some time soon, Josh. It's been way too long, I'm surprised you're not suffocating right now."

"I know," he sighed, and continued, "but he can't know. I can't tell him. He'll blame himself if anything happens to me, and it's not his fault. It's mine for falling for him." Josh looks back at that party, slowly swirling the contents in his red solo cup absentmindedly. He spots Tyler, arm wrapped around Jenna's waist. He feels a small tinge of pain in his chest. It might be heartache and it might be the petals, he doesn't know the difference anymore.

"Don't say that, Josh. You can't help what you feel."

Brendon's voice snaps him back into reality. He turns to his friend and shakes his head. "They're _my_ feelings, so it's my fault," he says, making Brendon shake his head. Josh purses his lips and looks back at Tyler and Jenna. Brendon follows his like of sight and looks at them, too. "You're torturing yourself like this."

"I know."

Josh stares at Jenna as she laughs at something that Tyler said and how Tyler grins widely, his smile almost lighting up the entire room. He looks at Jenna with loving eyes and Jenna smiles up at him. She tilts her head up to meet his lips and they kiss.

Josh coughs up into his hand, petals falling into it. Brendon placed his hands on his shoulder. "Josh, you okay?" Before Josh could reply, he began coughing again, harsher. Various petals falling into his hands and some onto the floor. He keeps coughing harder. Brendon quickly wraps his arms around his shoulders and leads him down an empty hall and to a dark, empty room. The light turns on and Josh realizes he's in a bathroom. He hears the door close and his coughing intensifies. Brendon rubs soothing circles onto his back, sighing.

When he was done coughing up the petals, he breathed heavily, looking at the petals in his hands. He held a large bundle of striped carnation petals. _Wish I could be with you_.

Brendon's eyes go wide as he stares at the petals. "Those are not the flowers from last time..." He turns to Josh, shock clear on his face. "Don't tell me—You have more than _one_ flower in you?" Josh looks back at him guiltily, making Brendon gape. "How the fuck are you not _dead_ yet? You need to get that surgery, soon."

Josh swallows hard, dumping the petals into the trash can. "And you need to tell Tyler about this, too."

"I can't. I can't tell him."

"Josh, you have to. You need to get that off your chest and get those damn flowers removed."

Josh's eyes glisten with tears as he looks at Brendon, pleadingly. "Brendon, I can't tell him, please understand that."

Brendon opened his mouth to counter back, but a knock at the door. "Josh? Are you okay?" Tyler's voice rang through the door. Brendon gave Josh a pointed look. He lowered his voice and said, "You need to tell him."

Josh pursed his lips and shook his head, whispering back, "I _can't_. He can't know. I-I'll see what happens some time from now. Then I'll get the surgery."

Brendon stared at Josh for a moment before letting out a sigh, shaking his head. "Alright, whatever you say. But if I see you again, and you're still coughing up these fucking flowers, I'm taking you to the hospital immediately and you're getting that surgery." With that, he opened the door and gave Tyler a small smile before walking past him. Tyler looked at Josh confused, but he only smiled back. "I'm alright. Brendon helped."

The shorter of the two walked out of the bathroom. "Ah, I see. More flowers, then?" Josh nodded. "Yeah. But don't worry...I'm fine." Tyler opened his mouth to say something, but Josh already began walking away. He didn't want to keep talking about this. He just wanted some peace in his life, and to not be in love with his best friend.

—

The sixth time makes Josh wish he was dead.

He's at a diner with his friends. They're laughing and joking, making fun of each other in a friendly manner. Josh's having a genuinely good time, surrounded by people who make him happy and who make him feel comfortable. He almost forgot about the flowers that made a home inside him. Almost. Until he looked at the only couple in their friend group. Tyler and Jenna.

He watches them, lifting his cup of water up to his lips, drinking from it. He watched as Tyler wrapped his arm gingerly around her shoulders and laughed along with her at something that Pete had said. Josh wished that was him. That he'd be the one have Tyler's arm wrapped around his shoulders. That he'd be the one to receive that loving look and smile Tyler always gave Jenna.

Josh coughs up, still drinking his water. He spills the rest of the water in the cup and coughed out whatever he had in his mouth along with flower petals. "Josh!" He hears someone exclaim, but he's focusing and getting the remaining petals out of his throat and mouth. He coughs up more. And more. And more. It doesn't stop, and Josh can't breathe.

He keeps coughing up petals upon petals upon petals, black spots appearing in his vision from the force he's putting on his body to rid of the flowers in his system. He fells himself falling and he collapsed from his chair onto the harsh floor, bringing the attention of many. He keeps coughing and retching, wanting nothing more than to get the flowers out. His chest aches, and he feels as if there's fire coursing through his veins. He feels like he's suffocating and it takes him a moment to realize that he is.

He catches a glimpse of the colors and types of flowers he sees, despite his blurring vision. There are daisy petals, jonquil flowers, white rose petals, and gardenia petals. _I'll never tell. Love me. Secrecy and silence. Secret love._

The flower petals do not stop. They are endless. Much like his love for Tyler. And he hates it. He hates it so much. And he hates the meaning of these flowers, they're too accurate. They're too real.

He feels hands grab at him, shaking him, he heard muffled voices, but he can't focus. Soon, all he sees is darkness.

—

The seventh time it happens is the last, and he's in the hospital.

He wakes up with a headache and to blaring white lights. His eyes try to focus on his surroundings. He's in an all white room, save for the retro-colored sofa in a corner of the room, the yellow and green chairs against a wall, and the a painting hung up on the wall above the sofa with a vase with flowers in it. The irony of the painting hurts more than the flowers in his lungs.

He turns his head to his right and sees Tyler sitting in one of the ugly chairs. His head is lolled back against the back rest, his eyes are closed and his mouth is agape. Josh feels like laughing at the site, but the sheer act of breathing was difficult and painful, so he held it back.

The door to his room opens, and Brendon walks in, letting the door snap shut behind him. The sound wakes Tyler up with a jolt, making him jump up from the chair. He turns his head to Brendon quickly, and relaxes a bit. But Brendon only stares at Josh who looks back at him, and Tyler turns his line of vision towards Josh. "J-Josh," he mutters quietly, making the former turn to him.

"Hi," he croaks out and manages a smile. Tyler frowns and shakes his head. "Y-You—Why didn't you tell me how serious it was?" He asks. Brendon crosses his arms over his chest, seemingly waiting for an answer, too. "I...I didn't want to worry anyone. I saw it as my problem, and wanted to take care of it on my own, but...Look where that got me." Josh sighed and turned to look up at the ceiling. The glaring white light seemed much more comforting now than looking at Tyler's face.

"Josh, you have _ten_  flowers inside of you," Brendon says, finally speaking up since entering the room. "Ten  _fucking_ flowers when I thought it was just two or three. But ten fucking flowers—That's just insane. You were so close to dying earlier and you just—" He sighed in frustration and ran a hand through his hair. "You're getting the surgery tomorrow morning."

Josh snapped his head to look back at him, eyes wide in shock and somewhat horror. He couldn't get that surgery. He didn't want to let his feelings for Tyler go. He refused. "No. No, I can't get that surgery. I-I can't. I don't want to."

"It's for the best, Josh. We all agreed on it," said Tyler. "The doctor said the flowers were only growing larger and yesterday—yesterday you almost," he swallowed hard and took a deep breath before continuing, as if preparing himself to say the next few words, "you almost _left us_. And that was—we can't allow you to continue this way. As your friends and your almost-family."

Josh stared at him with wide eyes. He swallowed hard, but his mouth was dry and it tasted like lead. He relaxed a bit and nodded, looking back up at the ceiling. "And before the surgery," Brendon started, "you better tell Tyler the truth." With that, Brendon walked out of the room, closing the door behind him.

"The truth? Truth about what?" God, he was so fucking dense. How did Jenna deal with that? Josh sighed and shook his head. "It's nothing. There's nothing to tell you."

"Yes, there is, Josh. What are you hiding from me?"

"It's nothing."

"Josh, please."

Josh clenched his fists and turns to Tyler. "Fine. You wanna know? Well, I'll tell you." Tyler only stared at him, expecting. "You're the reason I'm here." Tyler's eyes go wide and his mouth opens slightly. "You're the reason I have so many fucking flowers growing in my lungs and making a home there. You're the reason why I've caught this damned disease."

"Why didn't you—"

"Why didn't I tell you? Probably because you're _married_ , and it's definitely not morally okay to be in love with your _married best friend_."

"But Josh—You should have told me, I'm your—"

"I know! You're my best friend! And that's all I'll ever be to you!" Josh's voice cracked. The emotional pain and the pain from the flowers mixed together to make his chest ache greatly. He felt like the pain would soon make him go numb or make his heart stop. It was almost unbearable. "If I had told you, you wouldn't have been able to do anything. You couldn't have done anything, Tyler. Please, just understand that." A single tear ran down his cheek and Josh cursed himself for crying. Not only did he already seem like a crybaby, but now he was just proving his own point.

Something slowly wiped the tear away, making Josh's eyes widen. Tyler's thumb slowly wiped another tear that had slipped out, until he reached his hand back. "I'm sorry," he said quietly. Josh pursed his lips and shook his head. "Please leave," he muttered. Tyler stayed quiet for a moment before standing up, and walking out the door.

Josh let other tears fall from his eyes, trying his hardest not to keep crying. He was only going to hurt himself even more this way. But then, he coughed into his hand harshly, salty tears mixing with the brand new petals that had falling into his hand. He looks into them and sees red rose petals, which only make him cry harder. _I love you_.

And Josh wishes he didn't and never had.

—

A week after the surgery and intensive care, and Josh is back in his regular hospital room, the one in which he stayed in the very day before his surgery. He feels nostalgic in it, but he doesn't dare complain. His doctor and the nurses have been taking great care of him and tending to his wounds appropriately, so he had nothing to complain about, and if he did, he didn't want it to be because he felt melancholic in a room.

His family visits him and he's happy to see them. To talk with them after so long. He especially enjoys his sister's visits. She always seems to make him smile every time she's there. His friends visit him, too, and Brendon is the one who is the most relieved out of them all.

And at one point, Tyler visits him, too.

"Hey," he says, once he enters the room. Josh gives him a small smile and a curt nod. "Hey, dude." A smile makes its way onto Tyler's face as he approaches him. "How are you feeling?"

"Good. The suture still hurts a bit, and I'm still quite delicate, but the doctor said I'll be able to get back to touring in a month or so." Josh watches as Tyler takes a seat into the ugly yellow chair he sat in before Josh had the surgery. It sends a small pang into his chest, but he ignores it. "That's good to hear. I'm glad your doing well." Josh smiles genuinely at Tyler's words and nods. "Yeah, I'm glad, too. Doctor did advice me to keep the shirt on at all times during concerts now, though," he said, laughing softly. Tyler also laughed, but Josh didn't think he meant it. "That would be a good idea." Josh nodded in agreement.

A small silence lingered between them, almost awkward. Tyler clears his throat, catching Josh's attention. "So...they're completely gone now?"

"What—Oh. Oh, the flowers? Yeah, they're gone. For good." Tyler nods slowly. "I see," is the only thing he says, and Josh doesn't miss the hurt that shows itself briefly in his eyes.

They talk for a while, about other things that doesn't concern either of them, and Josh realizes that it will take a while for them to fall back into the beat of things, to go back to when everything was normal. But Josh doesn't mind. He knows they'll make it work. They somehow always do. And now without those pesky flowers and unrequited feelings...everything was going to be okay.

He was sure of it.

—

A year later, everything was going well.

Except for one thing.

Tyler was coughing up red rose petals.

**Author's Note:**

> i hope i wrote brendon okay?? idk 
> 
> i also wrote the meanings of the flowers here but if u got a bit confused, here they are:  
> • Acacia - concealed love  
> • Camellia (pink) - longing for you  
> • Carnation (red) - my heart aches for you  
> • Carnation (striped) - wish i could be with you  
> • Daffodil - unrequited love  
> • Daisy - i'll never tell  
> • Gardenia - secret love  
> • Jonquil - love me  
> • Rose (red) - i love you  
> • Rose (white) - secrecy and silence 
> 
> idk if these are all correct, but if they're not, feel free to correct me! and constructive criticism is always accepted! 
> 
> anyway, check out my tumblr: totally-not-kawaii. and my wattpad: velvetfrnk 
> 
> hope you enjoyed this! (๑>◡<๑)


End file.
